i'm · not · hungry.

Where did my self control go?

I haven't written in two months,

I need to get back into control of things. Things went so much better when I had school. A schedule. Something there to keep me going through the day, everyday. No surprises. My weight has stayed pretty much the same since my last post, however this morning the scale read 105. I hope to god it is muscle weight from tennis or something though I haven't really excersised since last week. 105 simply is NOT good enough. I just want to be under 100 before school starts and then I can take a deep breath knowing restricting will be a lot easier. 

So far today:

Dannon Light & Fit: 60 cal.
stuffed cabbage: 400 cal?

I'm estimating a lot on that last one but I seriously have no idea how many calories are in my mother's cooking. I'm hoping I can last through the day without anything else to eat. I'm not feeling very hungry at the moment. 

I have to finish cleaning the house, the AC repairman is coming today. Then I want to try to finish up my summer work.

Today I had a bowl of Crispix and a cup of green tea. I'm hoping to go play tennis outside for a few hours if it doesn't start raining :(
Damn this weather. It's hot, humid and WET. 

I'm going to try not to weigh myself until Friday, hopefully by then I have lost this weight that I gained. 
I don't think I ever really posted my stats here so here are the current ones:

5'1
HW: 118 lbs
LW: 99.6 lbs
CW: 102.6 lbs
GW: 94 lbs

I know, I know, damn vanity sizes but STILL. This is going to motivate me to lose even more.
I bought two pairs of pants and a dress in that size and the dress is absolutely gorgeous and I really want to be able to wear it to homecoming this year. It would be such a shame if I got to small for it though. I am swimming in my older dresses (size 5/6) and ugh. Whatever. Still above 100 pounds. Fuck. 

Nescare Iced Coffee: 20 (milk) + 80 (coffee) = 100 cals
Banana: 121 cals [what the fuck, how is there that many calories in a fruit D: ]
Handful of grapes: 23 cals
Handful of Cheerios: 20 cals
Minute Maid frozen lemonade: 70 cals
Kraft Mac & Cheese: 290 cals [EW]
Cookies: 70 cals
________________
Total: 694 cals
Excersise: burned 256 cals
Net Total: 438 cals

:)

Today I started out the day with cereal at a whopping 200+ calories so I hope I can last until lunch and just have some grapes and another ice cream thingy and then have dinner later. Nothing else.

I can finally begin my summer diet/restriction. I am going to come back to school looking fabulous and thin. 
Today at Laura's I ate cake, two pieces of pizzza and god knows how many chips. And to top it all off, I had to wear a bathing suit too :(

Tommorrow I am starting my diet. 
I'll finally start counting calories again because I lost a lot before by doing that. I'm aiming for less than 900 a day. 900 is my limit. If I go over that amount then I need to think of a way to punish myself. I need control back in my life  now that school is out. In addition to the 900 a day, I am aiming for drinking at least 5 water bottles daily and one cup of green tea. Excersize will be a daily routine and I'll allow myself one day a week to be lazy and get my muscles to rest or something like that. I don't know, I just know you're not supposed to excercize everyday. But then again, you're not supposed to restrict to under 1,000 calories either :/ 

Blah. 
I'm excited for the new me. I'm going to be short and thin and petite and teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeny :)

Meh, today I had a handful of cereal, a little of a corn muffin and a piece of bread with butter. Great. What a carby way to start off the day. 
However, today at the mall , whenever I looked at myself in a mirror, I actually thought that I looked thin. My legs didn't look that gross. However, I blame that on my skirt. It was really big and covered up my huge fat thighs. 

We stopped at Applebee's to eat dinner. I had a apple-walnut salad and a few fries and that stupid chimicheescake. 
GROSSFEST MUCH?!?!!?

I'm so scared of the scale. I was 100.8 a week ago! I'm probably like 104 now. I will not weigh myself until tommorrow. 
No more food for today.

I am so repulsed at my lack of control.

Yesterday and today were pretty much amazing. I never thought I could have so much self control. It felt sosososo good. I totally bombed over the weekend [like always] and told myself that I would not let food win over me. I am bigger than it. It is a useless task in my hectic life at the moment. I need all the time I can get to study, why should I waste time on something so unimportant like eating? Ha.

Yesterday:

Cappuchino: 250 calories?
Apple: 60 calories
Chicken/corn: 300 calories
Excersise: 300 calories
Total: 310 calories

And of course the shitload of green tea/water I drink, but zero cals so I won't even bother. 

Today:

Cappuchino: 250 calories?
Pizza slice: 200 calories
Slice of bread w/ butter: 100 calories
Total: 550 calories

This mornings weigh-in.......100.8 pounds!
So motherfucking close.

Hunger hurts, but starving works.

I'm trying to drink as much green tea and water as I can, both of which, I love, but just trying to get more in. I have been soda free since Esther's sweet sixteen, and that was only by accident. I forgot I had given it up for Lent. But putting that aside, I've been soda free since I've given it up and I don't miss it one little bit. 

I really want to try out for the tennis team but I am so deathly afraid of not making the team that I don't know. I would have to learn tennis over the summer and these girls have been playing for years. I'm taking lessons in July and going to try to play as much as I can, but I don't think that I will actuallly go to the try-outs. I would be devastated if I didn't make it so I won't keep my hopes up. The physicals are Wednesday, so I'll go to that just in case. 

Over the summer, I WILL get into shape.

Today has been an iffy day, watermelon with a handful of chex for breakfast and then a stupid pastry my mom got me [ick! i don't even WANT to know how many calories were in that] and some sort of polish food she cooked for lunch/dinner. Ran for 1.5 miles [I'm getting really lazy with the running lately] and did some crunches/stretches.

Yesterday we went to the beach, talk about motivation to get thinner.
Bleh, I want to feel comfortable in a bikini.
I want people to stare and feel the need to buy me a hamburger.

Friday was Allison's birthday, popcorn at the movies and a cupcake [I took the icing off but that is still no excuse] were my downfalls.

I really hate weekends because I don't have a set schedule like I do when there's school so I always manage to fuck up my eating.
All I can hope to do is boost up my metabolism by excersizing and drinking green tea and hope for the best :[

Her legs are to die for.

This morning I was down to 105 when I stepped on the scale and water weight or not, I was about to do cartwheels.
However, with my weight shifting 1-2 pounds between morning and night I have no idea what I actually am.

Funny really, you'd think that I wouldn't care if I was only one pound more or less, but I do.
I really fucking do.
I've always laughed at girls in the past who obsess so much about the tiniest pound and who will put in that extra little bit of effort to work out just to lose that little bit of weight. 
And guess what?
That's exactly what I'm doing now.
Amazing how much a person's perspective on things can change as they grow older.

I cannot wait for the day I see double digits.